


Would It Matter

by PandaSkeleton



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Kismesis, Matesprite, Other, Sad Kurloz, Sadstuck, Skype, Skype Call, Skype Texts, Skype chat, Suicidal Kurloz, Suicide, cursing, cus why the fuck not, just sad, quadrants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-24 09:18:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2576222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandaSkeleton/pseuds/PandaSkeleton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurloz is home feeling like shit over life. He consults his friends before finally giving in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Starting

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry

Kurloz dropped down onto his bed, his phone in hand. Tears rolled down his cheeks and let out a soft sigh as he unlocked the phone. He flipped through his tabs until finally pulling up Skype. He went into the group chat that he and his friends were in. There was group call, so he clicked into it and after a couple moments heard the ongoing welcome from his friends.

 

“HEY KURLY!” “Oh shit Skeloz is here” “Purrloz~” “Hello Friend” “Ah Kurloz, glad for you to join” It was friendly greetings as always and then finally Kankri coughed into his mic to get people to quiet.

 

“It’s nice of you to finally join us Makara, we were wondering when you’d get on. That is if you want to, you don’t have to if you feel obliged to doing so just because we were hoping for that and have been waiting for you to get on.” Kurloz could hear the snarky-ness in Kankri’s voice. Kurloz chuckled softly. “We were just discussing what to do on that game that everyone simply loves and were wondering if you’d join us. I’m sure you have a lot to build, since you are quite creative and if you need help. You know I’m always here to do so”

 

“I’m...” He frowned and muted his mic to calm his breathing, his throat was a bit sore from puking earlier and he was feeling really sick right now.

 

“Purrloz you alright?” Meulin questioned, her voice filled with worry, and he finally unmuted his mic again.

 

“Yeah, I’m good.” He forced a smile as if they could see it. “I’m on my phone right now, so I can’t join”

 

“Ah, alright. We were hoping you’d join us. Though, if you’re busy that is fine” Kankri typed a few things and a moment later Kurloz got a message.

 

 **Too Many Trigger** s: _Are y9u alright? I kn9w y9u pr96a6ly d9n’t want t9 discuss y9ur pr96lems with me, 6ut y9u kn9w I’m here t9 listen. If n9t give y9u a full explanati9n as t9 why y9u sh9uld 6e alright._

 

Kurloz muted his mic again as a sob fell from his lips. Just hearing their worries, even from Kankri, was making him feel even more like shit. He’d just wish he could fall asleep and not wake up already. This was getting too hard, and taking too long. He felt like puking again.

 

 **Bone-ified Juggalo:** _Yeah, I’m doing fine Kankri. Just tired you know_

 

 **Too Many Triggers** : _It may seem harsh t9 say, 6ut I 6elieve y9u are lying t9 me. N9t 9nly did y9u c9me int9 call and had t9 actually pause t9 speak, 6ut y9u seem as if y9u are n9t feeling well. Y9ur v9ice als9 had cracked a 6it when y9u started had t9 speak. I’m w9rried f9r y9ur well-6eing, 6ecause I kn9w lately that y9u’ve 6een having t9 deal with a l9t 9f stress. And if may say s9 myself, it is g9ing t9 6e 9k. We are here f9r y9u when needed Kurl9z. Remem6er that._

 

 **Bone-ified Juggalo:** _Yeah I know. I just am de-_  
 _Sorry, pressed enter. I meant to say I’m dealing with a lot things and its fine._  
 _One Sec Tuna is messaging me_

 

Kurloz clicked out of the chat and to Mituna’s chat, there were a couple messages left by his friend.

 

 **CUT3 L1TTL3 BUMBL3B33** : _KURL0Z 4R3 Y0U 0K!?_  
 _KUUUUURRRRL000000Z_  
 _KURLY_  
 _H3Y Y0U FUCK3R L1ST3N T0 M3!!?@#_

 

 **Bone-ified Juggalo** : _I’m here, sorry. I was speaking to Kankri, and I’m fine Tuna._

 

 **CUT3 L1TTL3 BUMBL3B33:** _0K_

 

Kurloz flipped back to Kankri’s chat, the other teen had messaged back so he joined back into call. He finally could feel the drowsiness start to kick in.

 

“Guys…” He mumbled but no one was listening and went on talking. “Guys?” He spoke louder, but still was getting ignored. He was about to leave call, when his phone let out a loud whistling noise over speaker. He knew it was Kankri’s triggering whistle.

 

“Everyone quiet again, Kurloz is trying to get our attention…Also I apologize greatly for interrupting conversations. I do so hope I didn’t trigger anyone”

 

“It’s fine Kankri…” Kurloz mumbled with a soft sigh. He was trying to fight the sleepiness now.

 

“No, just speak what you needed. Everyone has been interrupted now for your sake” Kankri replied with a bit of sass in his voice.

 

“Oh…ok..yeah” He sighed again. “Guys, I love you. I want you to know that. Keep that in mind, and don’t forget it. I love you a lot. All of you. You’re a bunch of assholes and I care for you all in deep ways. I hope you know that…God, haha” He wiped the tears away that were rolling down his cheeks. “Fuck…Anyways, I’m tired…Really tired, so I’m going to sleep.” There was a chorus of good nights to him and he felt a small smile form on his lips and before he closed the call he said one last thing. “I’ll miss you all…” It was mumbled, but he knew a few heard. Especially when the messages from them came, he read a few.

 

_‘Miss us? What do you mean!?’ ‘Kurloz are you leaving?’ ‘KURL0Z WH3R3 Y0U G01NG!!@?#’ ‘are you alright, claws I’m worried Purrloz’ ‘EH, ARE YOU ALRIGH!’_

 

He started reading the paragraph that Kankri left after noticing everyone’s messages were generally the same.

 

_Kurl9z, are y9u 9k? I’m quite w9rried n9w, every9ne is. Th9ugh, I sh9uldn’t speak f9r any9ne. That w9uld 6e wr9ng t9 d9. Anyways, I have seen that y9u have 6een sad at sch99l, and I want y9u t9 kn9w that everything is g9ing t9 6e 9k. At least, that’s what I 6elieve. If y9u d9n’t want it t9 6e 9k, then that is fine. I just want y9u t9 kn9w that pe9ple in 9ur gr9up are here f9r y9u. Always’_

 

As Kurloz reads on through another message pops up.

 

_‘Did y9u d9 anything 6y the way?’_

 

Kurloz chuckles softly, his vision starting to go and his head lulling a bit as he quickly types his reply and sets down his phone. He’s too tired to reply anymore and is done for the time being, but he thinks his response goes across well as he falls into a deep sleep to the sounds his phone going off with loud skype noises and beeping.

 

_‘Goodbye Kankri ;o)’_


	2. The Week After (A1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so after posting the fic and listening to two of my wonderful friends, I thought that I'd like to slowly turn this into a short fic. There will be alternate endings, cus why not. I dunno how man chapters will go into each ending parts...so yeah ~u~;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways this is the first part of one of the alternate endings...there will be more to this, and I'm going to update this when things come to mind. I'm also working on the other fics and some others that no one knows of yet ;o)
> 
> So yeah...enjoy the little parts of what goes on in my mind, in the form of Homestuck

A week had passed with no word from Kurloz, everyone was fairly worried in their own ways. Mituna was apparently sure that Kurloz had killed himself and said so in a violent way that sort of uncomforted people. Meulin cried whenever getting into calls and people would talk about it and then Kankri would go off on people about triggers. Others would just make small comments about how they missed him and hoped he was ok. This went on throughout a week, and then the news came.

 

I had been Cronus who had alerted the group, and putting a link in the chat from Kurloz’s Tumblr, and said ‘Read this!’. No one was sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn’t this.

 

**_‘Dear friends,_ **

**_I made this so it would send in a week from the time I had entered the call and said my goodbyes. I hope those went well, and that none of you cried. It would kill me, haha that might have already happened, if you guys cried. I love you so much, it pains me to say goodbye. Though that’s how it had to be, I couldn’t handle it anymore._ **

**_If I didn’t die though, then I’m probably in a hospital where they’re going to take care of me before sending me to max security. I’ll miss you guys, but when I get out I’m going to make it happen this time. I can’t live like this…not anymore, never._ **

****

**_I just took the pills, all of them. They taste disgusting you know? Like chalk and shit, and I feel a little sick. It’s going to be ok. I’m going to get off soon and join the call you guys are in. I’m scared though, but I will be strong to face this. I just hope you guys will be ok. I worry about you all the time you know?_ **

**_Alright, I love you guys. Also Kankri, you should receive some male with all my accounts and information. I think you’ll be the most responsible to take care of it._ **

**_Mituna, you’re getting a lot of my other shit. Just wait ok :o)_ **

****

**_I love you guys’_ **

****

There was a long pause in the group, Kankri could feel tears rolling down his cheeks after reading the message. He couldn’t believe that one of his friends would do this. He felt that he might have been able to stop it, but how? He had to check, to at least make sure that Kurloz is alive still...or at the very least, check if he’s dead.

 

Kankri pulled up his browser and clicked on facebook and logged in. He searched through his friends and went to Kurloz’s brother’s account and sent him a quick message. He hoped the young Makara would reply quickly, he had to know about his friend’s well-being.

**‘Gamzee, this is Kankri. I kn9w we d9n’t talk much, 6ut I just g9t message that Kurl9z had tried t9 kill himself. I kn9w this may seem t99 s99n and y9u pr96a6ly d9n’t want t9 talk a69ut, 6ut I want t9 kn9w what happened.’**

It took a couple minutes, but he heard the little noise of a facebook reply and quickly opened the tab back up and checked on his messages.

 

**_‘Yo BrO, sHiT. I DoN’t kNoW wHaT tO sAy. KuR bRo HaD tRiEd To MoThEr FuCkInG oFf HiMsElf. He LeFt HiS dOoR uNlOcKeD aNd I fOuNd HiM uNcOnCIoUs AnD sHiT aNd ThOuGhT hE wAs DeAd BrO. I cAlLeD tHe PoPo aNd aN aMbUlaNcE tOoK hIm. He Is In ThE hOsPiTaL sTiLl, BuT hE WiLl Be Ok I tHiNk’_ **

****

**‘6ut he is alive? And well, c9rrect’**

**‘ _YeAh, He’S gOiNg SoMeWhErE aFtEr He GeTs OuT oF tHe HoSpItAl fOr A cOuPlE wEeKs.’_**

****

**‘Alright, thank y9u Gamzee’**

Kankri got off of Facebook and opened up his Skype and quickly messaged his friends, so that he could let them know that their friend is still alive.

 

**Too Many Triggers:** _So I just spoke with Gamzee, he said that Kurloz is alive. Though, he is in the hospital right now. After he gets out of the hospital, I’m fairly sure he is going to maximum security or rehab. Either way he is getting the help he needs_

**Something_Smells_Fishy:** _WAIT W)(AAAT Skelebones is in the deep sea drain of hospitalism Shit is he going to be ok_

**Meowlin:** _(=;_;=) OHHH NO NOT PURRLY_

**CUT3 L1TTLE BUMBL3B33:** _N0T KURL0Z 1 FUCK 1 C4NT L0S3 H1M FUUCKS S4K3 1M P1SS3D 4444GHHH_

**Lovely Arachnid:** _Oh no. Well, I guess we’ll have to send our regards and hope for the 8est. ::::’(_

**Sexy Fish Boy:** _yeah I agree with aranea, the best wve can do is hope that kurloz gets 8etter._

**Too Man Triggers:** _Alright. I’m 69ing t9 69 n9w._

Kankri logged off skype and sighed softly, he really hoped that Kurloz was going to be alright. He knew that the other could be a bit reckless, but losing him would devastate their friends, and too be honest he was being inconsiderate.

 

Kankri just sat their silently for a couple moments until his phone went off, he looked at it and watched as the red device vibrated on his desk and was playing Canon in D. He watched it for a couple minutes before sighing softly and unlocking it and answering.

 

“Hello, Kankri Vantas speaking.” There was heavy breathing on the other end, and then a couple coughs. “Hello?”

 

 _“Shh, Kankri…It’s Kurloz”_ The other teen’s voice was hard to make out much, and sounded as if he were really sick.

 

“Kurloz? What are you doing on the phone, get back to getting better.”

 

 _“No, I understand. I just wanted to say sorry. I fucked up badly, and in a couple hours I’m being taken to some rehabilitation center. The nurses here are nice, and said that I’ll only be there for a couple weeks if the doctors think I’m getting better…”_ There was a sob from the other end and Kankri felt his heart ache for his friend. _“I’m sorry, I just…I don’t even know anymore. I’m scared…and just...fuck. I need to go Kankri…I’ll talk to you when I get out”_

 

“Wait Kurlo-“It was already too late, Kurloz had hung up. “Darn it Kurloz.” Kankri frowned and opened skype back up, he looked at the chat logs and noticed that the topic of Kurloz has passed and they’re talking about a game that Damara was thinking of doing. Rufioh said he was going to help if she left him, and Porrim ‘Kindly’ told him to go away and let the girls deal with building whatever it was. Seeing this though, made Kankri just close his skype once more and head over to his bed and lay down.

 

“It’s not goodbye anymore…’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quirks, not so fun btw. Also I had to change some of the first main chapter, cus I realized that I forgot to add in the italicized stuffs and bold stuffs and like quirks and all that. ~u~;


	3. Back For Good

It had been months after the phone call when there was finally word from Kurloz, and the first person he had messaged was the last person he had talked to.

 

 **Bone-ified Juggalo:** _Kankri, its Kurloz. Obviously, but anyways I’m out…It’s been awhile. Message me when you get this._

****

Kurloz was sitting on his bed, there was a camera set up in his room by his dad, and he looked up at it and frowned. He held his phone and looked back at the screen and noticed that Kankri was typing back.

**Too Many Triggers:** _Kurl9z, its nice t9 have y9u 6ack. Every9ne has 6een w9rried. H9w was the h9spital stay? Did y9u get help? H9w are y9u d9ing? S9rry f9r the questi9ns, 6ut we have 6een sincerely w9rried a69ut y9u since the last time we sp9ke. I h9pe y9u are d9ing alright and that I’m n9t triggering y9u with any 9f my questi9ns, 6ut after we talked the last time I have 6een w9rrying endlessly a69ut h9w y9u are d9ing._

**Bone-ified Juggalo:** _I’m doing fine, thanks for worrying :o) and yes they did get me help. I was cramped up in a small room being fed nasty food for 2 months while taking tons of pills and being checked on. They made sure I wouldn’t try anything again. The hospital stay probably was the best part, and after going to rehab for 2 months I guess I am truly feeling better. I’m sorry for worrying everyone. If I sink down that low, I’m using a gun. Pills aren’t fun puking out and having your stomach pumped and having to drink some liquid that tastes like oil and coal. It disgusting, but yes, as for mental state I’m doing fine._

****

**Too Many Triggers:** _Kurl9z, that d9esn’t s9und very delightful, and please d9 n9t kill y9urself. That is extremely triggering, and d9 n9t talk like that in the main chat. Y9u’re g9ing t9 trigger pe9ple. I’m s9rry that y9ur stay in reha6 had 6een 6ad, 6ut that was y9ur fault. Y9u sh9uld have c9me t9 9ne 9f us instead 9f trying t9 end y9ur life. Als9, if this is n9t t99 triggering, why did y9u d9 it?_

****

**Bone-ified Juggalo:** _I know it doesn’t sound very right, but I’m being watched and sort of don’t give a fuck if it triggers anyone. I just…I have my reasons for being a little depressing right now. There’s a camera in my room, and skype is the only thing that isn’t being watched over. It’s my only freedom of speech, and my reasons for doing it?_

_I had no motivation for life anymore, I have no future. What future is there for a depressed person that doesn’t even know their sexuality and gender from their hands? Someone, who can’t even react in a normal manner compared to anyone else. Someone, who is failing school, because they lack the motivation to do work. Kankri, what the hell else am I supposed to do? :o(_

**Too Many Triggers:** _C9ntinue t9 receive help, and try Kurl9z. Try t9 live, if n9t f9r y9urself then f9r y9ur friends. We d9n’t like seeing y9u this way, and t9 6e h9nest, and may6e a little triggering, if I was with y9u right n9w. I’d slap y9u in the face f9r h9w y9u are acting right n9w, s9rry if that’s triggering 6ut y9u are acting like a pain right n9w. It’s rather ann9ying, and 69thers9me. Y9u need t9 suck it up Kurl9z, and st9p 6eing s9 selfish. I’m s9rry if y9ur life is s9 sad that y9u feel the need t9 end it, 6ut y9u’re triggering every9ne and making them w9rry and feel sad f9r y9u as well. D9 y9u like d9ing that? 6ecause it seems like y9u d9. Als9, what a69ut y9ur kismesis? Did y9u ever w9nder h9w they w9uld 6e if they l9st y9u. They may 6e my matesprite, 6ut they are als9 cl9se t9 y9u. I kn9w y9u guys 69nd 9ver em9ti9ns after 6eing jerks t9 each 9ther. H9w d9 y9u think he’d react after kn9wing y9u killed y9urself? What a69ut y9ur m9irail? Mituna was devastated t9 find 9ut y9u tried t9 kill y9urself. He st9pped talking t9 every9ne, except Latula. He was s9 w9rried a69ut y9u, and he is happy y9u are alive 6ut he still 6r9ken hearted. Y9u are 6eing s9 selfish, and triggering every9ne with all this em9ti9nal turm9il. It is rude and unfair t9 every9ne wh9 cares a69ut y9u, and if y9u need help. Ask. We are here f9r y9u, we are y9ur friends. Use us as friends and help. St9p trying t9 hide underneath y9ur little harlequin mask and d9 s9mething that’s n9t g9ing t9 cause hurt f9r any9ne else. We l9ve y9u, and l9ve is a str9ng and s9mewhat triggering w9rd, 6ut that is h9w it is._

****

Kurloz gripped his phone as he read the message, it hurt a lot and he had to stop himself from crying because of how much it pained him. He knew he’d end up hurting his friends, but the reality of it hurt him so much more than he wanted it to. He should have been dead instead of talking with the most annoying one of his friends.

**Bone-ified Juggalo:** _I guess you’re right, I have been selfish…I’m sorry, I’ll talk to Cronus later and also Mituna. I still need time before I talk to anyone else, I hope you understand._

**Too Many Triggers:** _No, I understand. Just try to get better, and talk to me when you can. I will help out as much as you allow me Kurloz._

**Bone-ified Juggalo:** _Thanks for keeping it short Kankri, I’m going to head to sleep._

**Too Many Triggers:** _Alright, sleep well Kurloz_

Kurloz turned off his phone and put it on the charger before getting up and turning off the light. He wished that he would have succeeded, but he also regrets doing it at all. He didn’t want to hurt his friends, but he wanted to let them know what was happening, so that when he didn’t come back on they knew why.

 

“Good night…” He mumbled as he curled up in bed and closed his eyes. “And hope I never wake up…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I do anymore then Kurloz is going end up dead, and no one wants that right? Yeah so here is the last chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I have been feeling depressed and dealing with a lot of emotional shit. So here's sadstuck to depict how I feel. The way the characters are, are pretty much to represent my friends on skype. So yeah, this is a legit thing I've considered. ~u~; But they keep from doing it, and not by telling me. Just the thought of losing them and them losing me....So yeeeahh 
> 
> Also the Name is from a song, it's by skillet. Practically my theme songs some day. Haha


End file.
